October

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“Oh my God!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Did you see how that truck just went across the lanes like that?”

I turned around to ask Terrence like he didn’t see the same thing I just did. Even though I was freaking out, he seemed to be completely calm as he maneuvered through traffic to avoid the other swerving cars expertly without responding to my question. The fact that he didn’t seem to be fazed by the mayhem surrounding us was unbelievable to me.

He managed to avoid every single car that skidded and swerved on the freeway. It felt like we were extras in a scene from Final Destination with cars crashing on the left and right of us but we got through it all without so much as a scrape on his car.

I sat on the opposite side of him clutching my seatbelt for dear life as I prayed. I couldn’t wait until this car stopped so I could kiss the damn ground. The thought of all those people back there that I could only assume were badly hurt broke my spirits. After witnessing something like that, my nerves were rattled and all I could think about was how I almost died and I still didn’t have my life together. 

Any time something tragic happened, you can’t help but to think of all of the things you wanted to have accomplished by a certain time in your life and to date, I haven’t done a damn thing I had set up in my mind to do before my twenty-fifth birthday.

August, being slightly older than me, constantly reminded me that the only way anything was ever going to happen for me was if I put in the work. One of the things she always repeated during her little speeches was that I had to stop sitting around hoping and wishing things fell out of the sky and into my lap. The other thing I got tired of hearing was how was how I needed to be more responsible because she wasn’t going to take care of me forever. The only bill I had in my name was my cell phone and I was barely holding that down. I had to borrow money from her a few months ago to pay it, even though I lied and told her I needed some money because I had an interview that I needed to get to that was across the bridge.

My twenty-fourth birthday was a few months ago and not only did I still live with her, I didn’t have a car of my own or a ring on my finger. I was determined to level all the way up and I had plans on doing just that with a rich nigga to sponsor my dreams.

The only half-assed committed relationship I’ve ever been in was with my ex-husband, Rodney. We got married at the end of my senior year of high school. I got pregnant before I crossed the stage and the only thing my parents wanted was a wedding since having a baby out of wedlock was a huge no-no for them. I remember my father squeezing my hand as we walked down the aisle while whispering how much of a whore I was and how I shouldn’t have been given the choice to wear white.

He made sure he didn’t skip a beat when it came to comparing me to my sisters. I was so sick of hearing about all of their accomplishments and how responsible they were since both of them graduated without carrying a baby. I walked down that aisle smiling proudly as I tried not to let my father’s harsh words affect me. All I remembered thinking was as soon as I married this man, I wouldn’t have to worry about living under my father’s roof anymore or having to constantly hear about how much of a disappointment I was to him. 

Babies are meant to be blessings but I also knew that God had a way of allowing or not allowing things to happen for a reason. I miscarried our child a few months after the wedding and unfortunately it became evident that the baby was the only thing holding us together. Unhappy and depressed, I desperately wanted to avoid the ridicule from my father by having to go back home so I stayed married to his ass for almost three years. I finally got the courage to leave him after I found out he was expecting a child with another woman…my cousin on my father’s side.

Shaking the hurtful memories from my mind, I hated thinking about Rodney. With the radio and air conditioner turned up, those were the only sounds heard throughout the car as we rode in silence until we reached my destination.

As he slowly pulled to the curb, he turned down the radio. “So what’s in Florida?” He asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Um, what?” I looked at him strangely because I didn’t remember telling him where I was going.

“You mentioned something about there not being any other flights going out to Florida today if you missed this one when you asked for a ride. I just assumed that’s where you were going, I’m sorry.”

I didn’t remember saying all of that either but whatever, I was so damn nervous about missing my flight and anxious just to get someone to take me, I probably did mention it so he could take me.

Maybe he was just trying to strike up a conversation but I wasn’t about to tell him any of my business. The purpose of my trip was for me to know, I didn’t even tell my sister everything when it came to Jermaine. Just in case he had me coming out there to beg for his time like he did last time, I didn’t want to sound like a fool again. He acted like he wanted to be with me the way I wanted to be with him but he was dragging his feet and was always coming up with excuses as to why he wasn’t ready to commit.

With all of the thotting I did online, you would think I wasn’t really looking for something solid and just wanted to hop from guy to guy. There was nothing wrong with me having fun while weeding out the duds, my elimination process wasn’t just physical. I needed my man to be able to take care of me financially as well because it didn’t make sense from me to continue to struggle, regardless of what my sister said about me being independent and responsible. Jermaine was someone I could check everything off on my list and really be happy with.

As I got out the car, Terrence helped me get my bags and even offered to walk with me to the security check point but I declined since I literally was going to have to run all the way to the gate once I checked in my bags.

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I put my luggage on my hotel bed and started to unpack. Jermaine was supposed to pick me up from the airport but his ass wasn’t even picking up his cellphone. I had to spend money I really didn’t have on a forty-dollar cab, this damn trip was already starting off completely wrong. He called me on my way to the hotel to let me know dinner was still on even though he was running behind schedule, which was the reason he said he couldn’t pick me up from the airport. As long as he didn’t flake all together, I wasn’t trippin’. We’ve talked so much about me coming out here, it had been months since we’ve seen each other. Out of all the men that I chat with, he was the only one who I considered my man. We met on Blacksingles.com over a year ago and we’ve only seen each other in person about five times or so but we talked all the time. With him focusing on his career and trying to make a name for himself at that law firm, he was always busy. He was the only that I saw a future with, everyone else was just an easy come up so I could pay my bills. Travis and Cashmere were my recent sponsors and after that shit show at the Omelet House, Travis wasn’t sending me another dime.

I was going to cut Jermaine lose a few months ago because I was getting tired of the run around, but after I just let a baller slip right through my fingers and handed him over to my sister, I needed to chill and be patient since I already invested a lot of time with him. Just thinking about the situation with Myles gave me a headache so I laid down to take a quick nap before primping and pressing for tonight.

I woke up from my nap well rested and ready for whatever the night would bring. I took a quick shower and rubbed honeysuckle lotion all over my skin before I spritzed myself with my favorite perfume before I slipped on a sexy matching bra and panty set. While I threw some curls in my hair, I slid my feet into a pair of black peep toe stilettos. Face beat to capacity and hair laid, I stepped in my pink bandage dress after I popped the tags. Looking over my look in the mirror as I added the final touches, I was feeling myself as I nodded my head in approval. A knock on the door deterred me from pulling out my phone to take a few selfies as I continued to check myself out.

I skipped to the door and opened it to see Jermaine’s sexy ass standing there preoccupied on his phone. It annoyed me instantly because I hoped this wasn’t the type of shit he was going to be on tonight. However, if I wasn’t so insecure with my position in his life, I wouldn’t have been so bothered by my thoughts of wondering if that was another woman on the other end of that phone that had his fingertips tapping away like crazy.

“Hey baby, I missed you,” I squealed and ran into his arms. He hugged me and kissed my forehead.

Jermaine was 6’7 with a slender but muscular figure. His chestnut skin was flawless with masculine features. He wore his hair in a low fade and had a goatee. His honey colored eyes always made my panties wet and his dick game was out of this world.

“Hey, October. Sorry I couldn’t pick you up. I was on a lunch date,” he admitted.

I rolled my eyes and pushed my hair out my eyes. Did he just admit he was at lunch with another woman? I was trying not to let that little comment bother me but damn, we never talked about messing with other people and as far as I let it be known to him, he was the only one so I guess I assumed it was the same when it came to me. Not wanting to ruin our evening with an argument, I didn’t even bother asking about this date.

“That’s okay. Are you ready to go?” I asked as I walked away to retrieve my clutch from the bed.

“Yeah, sure. I have reservations at Prime 112,” he replied and headed out the door without waiting for me. Something was off with him but I brushed it off as I rushed behind him to try to catch up to him which was a little difficult in these damn heels.

We were seated at our table and our drink order was taken. The whole ride over, he was being very short and would remove my hands from his body whenever I would try to touch him. I wondered what that was about but again, I didn’t want to start anything so I kept quiet. Once the waiter left to fulfill our drink orders, I decided to break the ice.

“I feel like we haven’t really talked forever. How’s everything?” I asked and touched his hands. He pulled them back and fixed his tie.

“I just made partner at the firm, which is exciting news. I was able to finally move into a bigger house last week,” he revealed.

My panties got moist thinking about what he just said. Making partner was huge and I knew it meant more money. The dollar signs were going off in my head as I started thinking about a whole lot of things I would be able to buy, not to mention the new house I couldn’t wait to decorate.

“Congratulations, I am so proud of you. I can’t wait to get back to your place and show you just how much.” He choked on his water and wiped his mouth.

Our sex chemistry was off the chain, so this shy boy act he was displaying was a bit weird. Originally, we planned to go back to my room but after he bragged about this bigger house, I assumed he would be over whatever his issues were when it came to me coming to his place that he told me about the last time I came here.

“Now, October, you know I don’t just allow anyone at my place.”

“Um, yea I know that was only because you and your brother shared a cramped loft with little to no privacy.” I recalled as I looked directly in his eyes, hoping to find some kind of clue as to what was going on with him and this strange vibe I felt. As soon as I repeated the same lame ass excuse he gave me last time I was for not wanting me at his place after all this time right back to him, everything August had been pointing out to me flooded my mind. I couldn’t help but feel like a fool because I thought I was a little more than just a traveling bed buddy. A cold dose of reality slapped me in the face when I realized the look in his eyes acknowledged my inner thoughts without him having to open his mouth. 

“Where are we going with this, Jermaine? We’ve been doing the same song and dance for over a year and yet we have no title,” I pouted. He widened his eyes and looked at me like I lost my mind.

The waiter interrupted whatever it was he was about to say when he placed our drinks and down and asked if we needed a couple more minutes to look over the menu. Nodding my head yes since I didn’t get a chance to look at the food, Jermaine politely shooed him away. I was starting to lose my appetite.

“October, can we please just have a nice dinner? I’m not trying to argue with you and fuck up our night,” he sighed as he pinched his nose.

The weary look on his face spoke volumes and as much as I should’ve left well enough alone and waited until we went back to the room so that I wouldn’t embarrass myself in public, I couldn’t stop the question that was heavy on my mind from coming out of my mouth.

“If you don’t want to be with me the way that I’ve told you I want to be with you, why don’t you just say that. Do you even care about me?” I choked, my eyes burning with tears.

“Come on baby, please don’t do this,” he got up from his side of the table and gently grabbed my face in his hands. “I hate to see you cry. You know I care about you.” His expression softened a little which made me smile on the inside. I truly wanted to believe the look in his eyes was something more than lust but I wasn’t so sure. He’s never really came right out to actually tell me that he loved me or anything.

“You care, but you’re not ready to make me your lady?” I stated as a fact versus asking because this man was about to break my heart, I could feel it. He pecked my lips softly and went back to the other side of the table to sit in his seat.

He let the silence linger longer than he should have after hearing what I just asked so I decided not to say anything else to him about it before I ruined my appetite all together. Without another word, I studied the menu looking for the most expensive cut of meat to pair with a fat ass lobster tail. If he was about to keep play games with me, he was about to come out the pocket.

My attention was everywhere else except on who was in front of me. I was trying not to be in my feelings but shit, I came out here with a purpose and now he was acting brand new.

“Let me ask you something October and before you answer, think long and hard about what you’re about to say. Have you been acting like you’re my lady all the way in California?”

My mouth felt dry immediately so I grabbed my wine glass and gulped the sweet frizzly liquid faster than I should’ve. With my mind racing, I had to think fast because I didn’t want to admit to anything not knowing exactly what he was getting at. The smirk he wore on his face told me it really didn’t matter how I chose to answer because I’m sure sitting here with my voice caught in my throat made me look guilty.

“It’s alright sweetie, don’t even answer that. I don’t want to set you up to lie to me because that would just piss me off even more. The real question is do you even care about me?”

“Of course I do Jermaine, that’s why I want more than this. I’m ready for us to be on the next level.”

“More than what, fucking?” he sneered as he rolled his eyes.

“What’s wrong with wanting more than that? Is that all I am to you? Just a fuck? Who travels across the damn country just to fuck?”

The waiter approached our table with the huge tray that carried out food. I could smell my steak before he sat it in front of me. The way his eyes from diverted from mine after he sat my plate down told me he picked up on the tail end of our conversation, but I didn’t have time to be worried about what he or anyone else in this restaurant heard or thought of me. The man that I was supposed to be snagging as mine this weekend had a look of disgust on his face that he was trying his hardest to mask, but the Hennessey in that glass he kept putting up to his lips was hyping him up to talk slick to me.

“I honestly don’t want to have this conversation right now October. I wanted to bring you here so I could wine and dine you like I’ve been promising for months and instead of taking in the scenery and enjoying our time together you wanna talk about some shit you really not ready to talk about.”

“I’ve been ready Jermaine,” I whispered.

“Naw, you’re not ready for me. Can we just eat please?”

Slowly nodding my head, he grabbed my hand and said a quick blessing and tore into his food. Moving my scallops around in whatever the creamy sauce that was drizzled on my plate, I saw a look of hurt mixed with repulsion on his face that shut me up. With the way he was acting towards me, I had a feeling that I was going to have to abort operation get my man and try again some other time.